Day Forty: support

Word of the Day: support

Image of the Day: Pookie on his day-bed

Token of the Day: two badges - love and free

Day Forty - the last day in this particular journey. We are at Samye Ling and i am sitting on the wall surrounding Green Tara. It is late afternoon and the sound of birds fills the air. There are blackbirds, robins, chaffinches, sparrows, pheasants, peacocks, crows and moorhens. Occasionally a buzzard mews as it glides on the high thermals. The air is so soft. A gentle breeze keeps prayer flags at work sending blessings and yearnings on their way. The sun still has warmth in it - we are in t-shirts and i'm wearing sunglasses!

support - physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, academic.

Supporting others through prayer, listening, advice, holding, giving (of food, shelter, money, clothes).

God is our support, the cornerstone, pillar of strength, protector, guide...but what does that mean? Sometimes i can feel an angelic presence, usually behind me with arms coming round me, wings outstretched to protect, or wrapping round to embrace. I often see an angel standing over someone during healing. The angel-light creates a glow over the body, warmth and love pulses gently. I have also experienced Jesus kneeling at my feet. The support is less of a holding-me-up-and-helping-me-on-my-way and more of a simple holding me while i rest, loving me as i doubt, ministering to me humbly. It has taken me a long time to accept this blessing. These are occasional experiences but they leave lasting impressions.

The rest of the time i experience God supporting me through people. As Teresa of Avila put it:

Christ has no body now but yours
No hands, no feet on earth but yours
Yours are the eyes through which He looks compassion on this world
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

We need to be as Christ to one another. Support is not necessarily solving problems. It might be accompanying someone during their time of problem-solving, creating space for them, providing food or shelter, hugs, a listening ear.

Often i get support and the giver is unaware of their act. A smile, a nod of acceptance, a thank-you can each give me the support i need to continue on my path. Permission to stop and rest might be given by example - i mirror a behaviour i see modelled which resonates with me.

I am so grateful for these forty days of challenge, reflection, discovery. I have learnt much, journeyed far, and have known the company of angels throughout.

For Pookie to reappear on Day Forty is wondrous - i am sure he has no idea how much he supports me!

Heartfelt thanks go again to Gail for the inspiration, creativity and generosity she shows me. I thank God for bringing us together and i thank God that we are companions on the way.

Day Thirty-Nine: Understanding

Word of the Day: understanding

Image of the Day: snow angel at the labyrinth

Token of the Day: little notebook with pink flower on cover; also another mini-tile

Day 39's entry was written on Day 40 on Fairy Hill, Samye Ling Tibetan Buddhist Monastery

it is sitting on an old tree stump
knowing one has arrived
there is a sense of coming home
understanding because one is understood

there is knowledge, comprehension
yes
but
more
there is that familiarity,
empathy,
trust

so, as i sit on this old tree stump
i become the tree
i feel my roots bedding down
in the moss
and the pine needles
and i sense my heart
warming, opening
to the hearth of,
no the very fire of
the wonder of understanding.

So it turns out that understanding comes not from books, learned people, years of academic study but from finding that place of knowing that is within one's own being. It has elements of trust and intuition, not simply head knowledge. The "educated heart" is the key.

Gail found the snow angel on one of her regular visits and walks at the labyrinth - a place and a practice that she finds very helpful as a spiritual practice. Gail has taught me that all the parts that make up my self are actually acceptable (see entry on acceptance!), to be embraced and understood. I am starting to understand myself better by finding what resonates with my soul - and Fairy Hill is a very good place to begin!

Day Thirty-Eight: tears (typed up on Day 39)

Word of the Day: tears

Image of the Day: blue Buddha head at our front door

Token of the Day: coaster with a tear-shaped/fish/eyes pattern in
green-blue

tears
of sorrow, joy
pain, liberation
cleansing, scalding
i cry easily, often
tears of long ago
uncried, unsoothed
making up for lost time - blocked tear ducts
over-sensitive? over-emotional?
hyper-aware, hyper-vigilant,
grieving, angry, sad, lost.

Crocodile tears
laughter of hyenas
doleful donkey
bear-hugs.

Gail brought me two boxes of tissues for my journey of tears. Pooh, Eeyore and Tigger bounce happily on the sides of the boxes. Last night i shed tears of laughter. Cathartic, energising. So many days i cry tears of pain, sorrow, confusion, old fears, and i am left exhausted, sometimes beweildered, sometimes wondering if it will ever end, if one day i will only have left the tears that belong to the present and have laid to rest these echoes, the sound and still-raw emotion of my younger self.

Jesus wept. The shortest sentence in the Bible, one used by many as a curse, a simple exclamation of surprise, blasphemous. If the Christ cried and it is recorded for us to read and contemplate why is it so difficult for us to cry, to be seen crying, or to observe someone else crying?

Is it similar to our discomfort around laughter? Are we simply ill-at-ease with emotion? Do we fear its power, what it might reveal, how it might influence? The fact that i cry is not a demand for the "observer" to give in to me, to forgive me, or whatever yet so often i find i need to explain this. we associate crying with being either a child or with being unhinged. The first is allowed in society, the second is tolerated but not particularly accepted...

When i cry in a meeting, an encounter, or a situation i am being authentic, feeling my feelings. Sometimes my tears are a form of expressing anger but very often they are simply tears of sorrow. And this makes people uncomfortable. The only place where i regularly encounter people shedding tears in a group context is at church. It would be a rare event for an entire service to go by with nobody crying. Usually it isn't me doing the crying but when i have done it has felt fine (so long as i have enough tissues to hand!). I have felt supported, held, accepted. Crying is biblical (697 references for verses associated with crying (weep, cry, tears)...) Perhaps it should be a spiritual practice!

How many accounts are there of statues, usually of Mary, crying?

The most famous in Europe was in 1953 when a small statue of Mother Mary kept weeping profusely. Scientists even took samples of the tears and announced that they could not differentiate it from human tears. The Catholic Church took it as a miracle and the statue is still housed in a shrine specially built for it, and receives worshippers and visitors every year...

A final quote:

An organization called Grief Recovery shares some intriguing advice to those who walk with those who grieve. What are your thoughts about what is written? “We must still ask, what purpose or value, if any, does crying have in recovery from loss. Let us say that crying can represent a physical demonstration of emotional energy attached to a reminder of someone or something that has some significance for you. We encourage someone who is crying to ‘talk while you cry.’ The emotions are contained in the words the griever speaks, not in the tears that they cry.”- www.grief-recovery.com

Postscript to Day Thirty-Six: acceptance

I had a feeling that i hadn't quite finished my blog entry. I turned the page in my book to start the next word only to discover that there were indeed more words on acceptance...

I knew there were another couple of quotes that i had read and found helpful. Here they are:

apathy doesn't distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped, acceptance makes that distinction. Apathy paralyses the desire to take action; acceptance frees it by relieving it of impossible burden. [Arthur Gordon]

If i could define enlightenment briefly i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is. [Wayne Dyer]

So am i any closer to understanding acceptance? It is taking on the mantle, agreeing to a task, belief in something, the state of being accepted or acceptable, receiving something offered, especially with gladness or approval. But acceptance can also mean being resigned to, and the notion of being acceptable has come to imply that something is okay but not great. For example, secondhand books sold on Amazon use the phrase to mean that the book is readable, worth a few pennies but not good, certainly not like new! But this is certainly not what the word meant originally. Its roots are from the Latin acceptare, frequentative of accipere to receive (ad-, ad-+capere, to take). There are 24 occurrences in the Bible, including acceptance with God - an act of pure grace in Romans 4:16. And there are 48 occurrences of acceptable in the Bible, including: acceptable in Your sight meaning pleasing in Your eyes in Psalm 19. It is clear that we have lost much of the richness of the word. Perhaps we can rediscover acceptance as a positive concept, to be sought out rather than shunned...

Day Thirty-Seven: courage

Word of the Day: courage



Image of the Day: ice angel

Token of the Day: Fruit of the Spirit bracelet - joy


Gail writes: May you know the courage of the lion and the peace of God

Hmmm, courage after acceptance...the Serenity Prayer again. Do i have the courage of my convictions? Can i stand up for what i believe? Stand against injustice?

Iyanla Vanzant in her "Tips for Daily Living" asks: Are you willing to stand in the power of authenticity today? She says "If people don't know who you really are, they draw conclusions based on who you are not."

Courage - the lion in The Wizare of Oz. He was brave, risked his own life, when those he loved were in danger. He wore his heart on his sleeve and stood up for what he believed in - friendship, honour, respect.

Courage isn't about risking everything just to prove a point, to be seen to be big and brave. No, courage is acting with conviction, compassion, and passion. It is speaking truth to power with love, doing an act out of simple love, desire to help with no thought of reward. It is being present and mindful rather than following the crowd. Courage is hearing the voice of the Cosmic Christ and responding.

The courage to change the things i can...

I am not a puppet only able to move when God manipulates my strings. God has given me independent movement. I can choose, indeed i must choose. Where does the courage come from? From within, but drawing strength from others, from companions on the way, from trusting, having faith in God.

Acting with courage involves risk, energy, trust. It can be seen as foolish, unwise but, like Francis, perhaps i can be a fool for God...

Day Thirty-Six: acceptance

Word of the Day: acceptance

Image of the Day: Highland cow in snow

Token of the Day: tumbled amethyst stone

Light amethyst represents acceptance in religious jewellery, such as the Serenity Prayer (see later in this blog entry for more on this prayer) http://www.beadsbyk.com/_wsn/page3.html. It is also used for healing, power and protection; is one of the stones connected with Aries, and is connected with the seventh chakra (crown or pineal gland). It was often used for drinking vessels as it was believed to prevent drunkenness (the word amethyst comes from the Greek for without drunkenness!) and protect against poisoning.

Acceptance -
of self,
of others,
of situation/place/event.

That's the best i can do
reality bits hard
my imagination bites harder
acceptance of a bad situation
equals giving in, giving up
there are times where
non-acceptance is the key
yet there are others where acceptance
liberates and brings joy.

Life in abundance available through acceptance; understanding others is wisdom and knowing myself is enlightenment... Why is it so damned difficult to accept the obvious, that i am, you are, we are, and then simply get on with living? That's a rhetorical question by the way!

I turn to Don Miguel Ruiz, author of "The Four Agreements". These agreements are the hooks on which we should hang our life - don't make assumptions, always do your best, don't take anything personally, be impeccable with your word.

You don't need the acceptance of others. You don't need knowledge or great philosophical concepts. You have the right to be you, and you express your own divinity by being alive and by loving yourself and others.

Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change them this means that we don't really like them. It is easier to find someone who is already the way you want him or her to be instead of trying to change that person.

accept this -
i am not yet comfortable
in this
body, this
mind, this
world.

i will not resign myself
yet i will seek to be present
in my body,
in my mind,
in this world.

that's the best i can do
reality bites hard
(my imagination bites harder)
acceptance of a bad situation
equals giving in, giving up
there are times where non-acceptance
is the key
yet there are others
where acceptance
liberates and brings joy.

Having written that i found the following quote:

Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking', 'enjoying', or 'condoning'. I can accept what is - and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck. [Nathaniel Branden]

Acceptance is a tricky concept, one that requires consideration and careful discerning to know whether or not it is appropriate or not. Should i accept that i'm going to die as opposed to deny that i will ever die? Well, yes it seems obvious that i should do that but should i accept i'm going to die and give up living? Probably not. That is the tricky, uneven ground that surrounds the subject of euthanasia, assisted dying. True acceptance is not a passive giving up but an active embracing of that which is.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer is attributed to St Francis of Assisi but is known by many of us as the AA Prayer. May i have these words always on my lips, in my being, engraved on my soul.

Day Thirty-Five: perseverance

Word of the Day: perseverance

Image of the Day: book cover image

Token of the Day: woven bookmark

Gail writes: keep going...

Yes, keep on keeping on, stand firm.

Perseverance
gritted teeth
head down
leaning into the howling winds
determined

Must get there
need to be there
blow winds, do your worst
send storm, send snow
send floods full-flow
my sights are set,
my mind made up
my spirit will not wilt.

There is something of stubbornness in the concept of perseverance but somehow i see perseverance as more intelligent, more thought through than mere obstinance. I think of the saints of old, rowing coracles across oceans, battling with dragons, building churches stone by stone. Stubbornness has pride attached to it, perseverance is shrouded in humility. It is both the manner in which the journey or process is undertaken, the spirit in which it is carried out and also the end-point, outcome, result.

So i might be stubborn about certain things such as something being done my way. Where perseverance comes in, i think, is where the "thing" is attached to my vision (see Vision blog entry!). And if i am congruent, discerning, insightful i can let go of my attachment to the precise "how", i can be passionate and yet mindful, enjoying the process and prayerfully working towards the actualisation of my vision.

Then i turn to my laptop to see what others say about perseverance. Dictionaries define it as:

• the steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, a purpose
• steadfastness
• the Calvinistic doctrine that those who have been chosen by God will continue in a state of grace to the end and will finally be saved
• persevere - to persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement.

And the etymology is from the Latin for very severe - per-severus

Henry Ward Beecher put it well when he said:

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.

And what does the Bible say about perseverance? Well there is no shortage of references to it throughout both the Old Testament and the New. Allusions to life as being a race, or series of races towards a goal. We are urged to stand firm in Christ, persevere with faith and victory will be ours. I am uncomfortable with much of the language as it is militaristic, triumphalistic, competitive. I am unconvinced that such a way of being is the way of Jesus.

What does Buddhism say? Well, there are still some references to victory and to wearing perseverance as armour but there is also this:

Self-discipline brings us into relationship with one of the six perfections of the bodhisattva, that of enthusiastic perseverance, which implies the willingness to engage in a process with effort and enthusiasm over a prolonged period. No material or spiritual qualities are gained without some degree of effort. Perseverance enables the practitioner to carry on and trust in the process, even when it feels hopeless. It makes it possible to face difficulties and obstacles in the path with confidence and courage, rather than giving up because it feels too hard. Self-discipline helps us remain in the vessel and not run away. [Rob Preece, The Psychology of Buddhist Tantra]

Jesus persevered. He loved the seemingly unlovable, he spoke peace to war-mongers, simplicity to tax-collectors, and he taught the busy how to sit and be. He persevered all the way to the Cross and beyond it and he perseveres still. The Christ does not give up on us. God does not cast us aside because the task is too difficult.

May i persevere with learning how to live, how to love. I'll end today with some more quotes on the subject. Perhaps one of them will speak to you as it has done to me.

When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~Author Unknown

...I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."...~© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation, www.oriahmountaindreamer.com

Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down. ~Charles F. Kettering

Saints are sinners who kept on going. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker, © Flavia.com

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings

The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground. ~Author Unknown

Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb

Day Thirty-Four: Vision

Word of the Day: Vision

Image of the Day: clouds in blue sky

Token of the Day: heart ornament bearing the inscription Prayer Changes Things

Gail writes: 20/20; insight, understanding, mission, clarity, prophesy, insight into the future, hope, knowledge. It seemed like a small word yet many meanings - vision - knowing - seeing; what to settle on, to hold, turn over, consider on this occasion today?


Well i've had insight and light, now vision! I think about visions and hallucinations, "Be Thou My Vision", a vision of loveliness...

One of the gurus of the business world, Joel A Barker has a number of helpful things to say about vision, including:

Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world.

And a Japanese proverb says a similar thing, which i guess is where he, consciously or unconsciously, got his idea:

Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare.

Vision straight after Light
but aren't most visions at night?
If the inner light is bright
no darkness can cover the eyes of the soul
they will see visions
and show me dreams
in stills and in movies,
in black-and-white or colour

A light is switched on
my world is enriched
with mystical sightings
words of insight and hope.

What vision is this?
Cotton-wool or rain-holders
suspended from Heaven,
platforms for angels
day-beds for cherubs
- there is magic in clouds, skies and rainbows
they are visions of loveliness
God's artistic splendour.

Vision is the sense or ability of sight; it is something (imaginary?) one (thinks one) sees - a mirage?; it is an ideal or a goal towards which one aspires; a religious or mystical experience; it is a person or thing of extraordinary beauty.

~Vision, insight, light
imaginary, mystical, unreal, true
a mirage that deceives or
a sight that enlightens
without vision i cannot see
but the blindness is not of the eyes
rather it is of the heart and of the soul.

Visions are things that visionaries see/receive. The Joseph Rowntree Charitable Foundation selected seven people as their visionaries for a just and peaceful world http://www.jrct-visionaries.org.uk/. People with vision are perceptive, insightful and truth-seers and seekers.

Vision is the result of the risk we take when we stop looking for the answers and start seeing the questions...

Day Thirty-Three: Light

Word of the Day: Light

Image of the Day: Camden Bear with woman statue and tulips

Token of the Day: Just a Wee Hat storybook

Gail writes: light is not only bright...

Exactly, the word is yet another example of our limited use of language! Light means not heavy and also not dark; in Quakerism it is the Guiding Spirit or Divine Presence within each of us. The ideas that go through my head immediately are all the phrases we use with reference to light:

Don't hide your light under a bushel; she has a light touch; light-fingered; light-hearted; hold in the Light; the Light of the World; the Lord is my Light.

I realise that i have been very serious throughout this blog. For 33 days i have consulted dictionaries, pondered over quotes, contemplated, reflected and bared my soul. Today, i am going to allow "light" to be a reference to "light-hearted". The image helps. Camden is a sweet bear found by my mother in Camden, Maine. He has such a solemn look on his face but in an endearing way. This photograph of him looking mournful with tulips bowing over him and the figure weeping into her hands is full of pathos, it tugs at my heart-strings but it also allows me to chuckle if i am light-hearted about it. Why can i not interpret the scenario differently? What if i see the woman as laughing so much that she is rocking forwards and back and the photograph caught her at the moment when she's folded over mid-guffaw? And perhaps Camden is the cause of her hysterics. Maybe they were seeing who could keep a straight face the longest and he's the winner?

Whatever... The fact is that i can choose how i see things. I can hide in the shadows or stand in the light with my face turned to the sun, arms open. Rainbows only appear when it rains. I might dislike the rain but a rainbow always makes me smile, lifts my spirits, lightens my heart.

Daylight, sunlight, moonlight, starlight, firelight... May God light a fire of joy and delight in us anew each day.

Here are a few quotes i came across and enjoyed:

Moonlight is sculpture. Nathaniel Hawthorne

There are two kinds of light - the glow that illumines, and the glare that obscures. James Thurber

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Chinese Proverb

Day Thirty-Two: Friendship

Word of the Day: Friendship

Image of the Day: Pookie on the Downie

Token of the Day: keyring of crystals and bells

Gail writes: Friendship comes in many forms,
many shapes and in many colours. May you know and recognise her in all of her guises

So many types, so essential, so difficult at times, so comforting and fun and enriching and...

One of the books i'm reading just now is "The Philosophy of Friendship". Marjorie and i were discussing friendship, the highs and lows, how to navigate through them, when to fight for and when to let go... Then she told me about this book which she had read as her Lent book the previous year. It was on her shelves so she said "Why don't you just take it? I'm not going to read it again." Friendship in a nutshell - giving without expectation of return!

There is a Peanuts cartoon image in my mind. I think it's Snoopy and Woodstock facing each other one with a bat and one with a glove at the end of a baseball game, the caption reads "Let's Be Friends". Once the game is over, the rivalry and competition fades into the background and friendship takes the throne once again.

Quakers are known as Friends (the Religious Society of Friends). The name comes from Jesus' remark "You are my friends if you do what I command you" (John 15:14). We are called to be friends with God, not simply children, or wrestlers, or sheep but FRIENDS.

What does it mean to be a friend? The word is linked with love (Latin amicus, its meaning in Old English, being literally love. It is also linked with peace (Frith, Friede - Siegfried meaning victory peace, Frederick peaceful ruler) and our word Friday is from Day of Frigg/Venus - Goddess of love.

We give and receive friendship rings and bracelets, reconnect through Friends Reunited, write on each other's Facebook walls, text and Skype. Thanks to these modern inventions distance can be covered instantly enabling friendships to endure across vast distances. But i have friends in my life who i can be completely out of touch with for months and even years and we can still pick up where we left off. Despite great differences and beyond the capacity of lovers, marriages, contracts friendship thrives.

We can be friendly with work colleagues but should we be friends? Once again i think linguistics can get in the way of true meaning. Being friendly can imply intimacy or simple pleasantries. And how do we maintain healthy boundaries? Answers on a postcard please!

Friendship involves loving and liking, seeking one another out, enjoying each other's company whether weeping over a movie, laughing at a TV show or walking silently through the landscape. A good friend becomes part of the family. And it will take a monumental issue to tear up tht contract. It has happened to me... Once it was repaired and is now more solid than ever. But with another i doubt it will ever be truly healed. And that grieves me.

The bond i have with my cat, Pookie is one built over 14 years since he arrived in my life as an 18 month-old terrified scrap. He is my familiar, my shadow, my "daemon" in Philip Pullman's language. He curls up with me when i'm poorly or upset; he nags me if i don't go to bed when he thinks i should. And in return i feed him, see to his litter-tray, give him shelter. We give each other love and companionship.

Each friendship is unique, not to be compared but to be treasured, enjoyed, appreciated, respected.

I don't have a group of friends who i go out with. When i drank i would be out with others but they weren't friends, simply drinking buddies. I never have been part of a group, wasn't in a gang of friends at school. I've tended, i think, to have a special friend and not managed too well negotiating other friendships at the same time. I love watching "Friends", "Sex and the City", loved watching and reading "The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood" and "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle-Stop Cafe" but i'm beginning to accept that actually i am not that sort of person. People think of me as gregarious, extrovert because i'll chat to anyone i come across. I am told that i'm a good listener, i definitely don't like to appear rude, don't like to see someone on their own, rejected. I am not generally at ease with people, something i used to mask with alcohol. I am terrified of rejection, of getting it wrong, and i am unclear about the rules, the unwritten code of being a friend. Yet i do have friends, scattered around the world in Australia, Canada, USA as well as around the UK. These are individuals who have known me in my darkest times and have stayed the course. For me, friends are those individuals who forgive and who can accept forgiveness, who get things wrong and who can accept my mistakes.

Friends hold strands of my soul and they never let go; their fingerprints are embedded in my heart; and no matter the number of miles that separate us, they are with me in an instant when i need them - in word, gesture, gift, Skype, text, email, and in healing.

Thank you friends - Alison, Kate, Alex, Marjorie, Kerri, Marian, among others.

Most of all, thank you Gail, passionate friend and companion on the way.

Day Thirty-One: laughter

Word of the Day: laughter

Image of the Day: sunset through bare-branched trees

Token of the Day: set of 5 mini-notecards from the Tate - "The Lady of Shalott" by John William Waterhouse

There is in each of us
a deep well of laughter
the possibility of joy
that can flood our being
until there is more than
we can hold, until
we are soaked through
with delight.
The more we tap
into this well,
the sooner it is refilled.
This is the laughter of angels,
unicorns, stars and planets.
God rejoices to hear
the music of our joy!

I wrote the above on one of the notecards and gave it to Gail to take to work. It came out of me and on to the card just as i've transcribed it above.

My next thought was of "Laughter Through Tears" which is an album by Oi Va Voi (do look them up and have a listen! I've just added the album to my Amazon Wishlist as it's been sitting in my basket for ages!). When i looked up the phrase i discovered that it is a reference to the work of Sholom Aleichem who wrote numerous short stories (most famously "Fiddler on the Roof") about Jewish life. Early critics focussed on his characters laughing through their tears. Sholom Aleichem’s last will and testament implored that we remember him only with laughter… If you haven't read any of his stories do have a look in your local library, secondhand bookshop, or ask me if you can borrow my lovely hardback copy!

I read the Metro going to work on the bus today and was bemused/entertained to read the following: A couple who went to see a comedy that promised to make audiences 'laugh until they throw you out' were asked to leave the theatre – because they were laughing too much. The production was “Bouncers” and it was at the Drill Hall, Lincoln. It seemed rather unfair to throw people out for doing what they were supposed to do!

Interestingly though there is something "too" liberated about laughing loudly and for more than a few seconds for us British. We get embarrassed, irritated or wonder if we're being laughed at... Or is that just me? I almost always assume that if someone is laughing then they're laughing at me, not with me, not because i'm being intentionally funny but because they are poking fun at me. It is not a pleasant feeling to live with. I know i should perhaps have a tougher exterior, or be less obsessed thinking that everything is about me but i'm just being honest - i'm not there yet!

My sister Emma has the most fabulous capacity for laughter, it is truly a gift. Once started she can laugh until tears are streaming down her face and if our Uncle David is present then the two of them will keep setting each other off and their laughter is definitely infectious. This is different from the voyeuristic, cruel laughter that i feel comes from the endless number of TV programmes which show amateur footage of people and animals having accidents, getting things wrong. Slapstick is one thing but laughing at someone else's expense is another... Ok, sermon over.

Sitting on the bus coming home i kept hearing chuckling, a baby giggling and gurgling sounding so perfectly happy, so delighted to be alive that it was difficult to believe it was real! But she was. She was in a pushchair and she and her mum got off at the same stop as me so i said to the mum how lovely it was to hear such a happy baby. Oh, she replied, she’s like this all the time, an absolute delight...unlike her older sister who’s a moaning besom (pronounced bizzum and meaning, in Scots, among other things “a term of contempt applied to a person, gen. a woman; some times to a woman of loose character, sometimes jocularly to a woman or young girl”) and is in tears every day. Perhaps you know me well enough to realise that i was immediately feeling for this older sister and wondering how things would work out for them in the future...

Anyway, where does that pure delight go as we grow older? How do we reconnect with it? I have experienced laughter yoga and laughter therapy and got a lot out of both of them but wonder how i would feel about them at times when i'm feeling low or particularly anxious.

Sacred clowns are another form of therapy which i first learnt of during a stay at a convent in Surrey. This is what they do:

Through the medium of the clown, we can explore our emotions; by stepping into the magical inner space of the sacred clown, we discover the world of the imagination and the joy and childlike innocence of a playful spirituality. When we touch emotional awareness, we start to be liberated from our fears and a sense of clarity is born. As we gain a greater sense of who we are, we may discover a deep potential for creativity.

It sounds good, it sounds essential! After all, research has shown that laughing can help in:

• lowering blood pressure
• reducing stress hormones
• increasing the muscular system
• boosting the immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gammainterferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies
• triggering the release of endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers
• producing a general sense of well-being

And theBible holds this to be true aswell. Proverbs 17:22 states ‘A cheerful heart does good like a medicine: but a broken spirit makes one sick’.

Holy Fools such as Francis of Assisi, Shakespeare’s Fool and other apparently comic characters in history have turned out to hold the wisdom that is beyond the rest of us "serious" bods. So perhaps i need to learn to laugh, not through the pain and the tears, but instead of them...

I'm not sure. I think i need to feel the whole range of emotions, be able to identify them and feel them appropriately but just add more laughter into the mix!

Day Thirty: healing

Word of the Day: healing

Image of the Day: moon in the daytime

Token of the Day: The Lighthouse Keeper's Cat

Gail’s words on healing:

moon-moon shines through in all her healing beauty to touch your life....

her presence, her touch, her love
waiting for you to open yourself
always present - in the day or night, obvious, fleeting, a glimpse, in part or whole, hidden, out of sight or in full view,
always there waiting for YOU

Healing - "physician heal thyself", "wounded healer", "Lord i am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word and i shall be healed"

The dictionary defines healing as follows:

• To restore to health or soundness; cure
• To set right; repair: healed the rift between us
• To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness.
• To become whole and sound; return to health.

It can have troublesome connotations for many of us. In the past i have been "healed" by a minister who prayed over me in tongues with no interpretation, having got me to write down my sins. He then told me to tear up my list and said i was healed. This happened after i had left a healing service in which we were invited to heal, and be healed by, each other. I had found the atmosphere disturbing, distressing, unhelpful. He had then sought me out. This experience left me feeling damaged, abused, fearful. Years later i shared the episode with a Fransiscan brother at Alnmouth Friary. He had offered me a simple anointing with oils which one of the ordained brothers would do. I accepted and found this experience profound, humble, simple, and lasting.

What do we mean by healing? Is it getting rid of those parts of us we dislike? Is it becoming physically perfect, free from any disability or deformity? I don't think so. I think the stories we get in the Gospels are to illustrate deeper truths. Jesus, and the Gospel writers, perhaps assumed we would use our imagination, intelligence and common sense when reaching conclusions about their meaning! Being blind and then seeing is, in my view, about developing insight (see yesterday's blog entry!). The man is ignorant of Jesus' teaching but then he starts to hear about him and wants to understand. Jesus offers the healing of love, acceptance and understanding.

I have difficulty with the very public displays of healing where folk are laid out in the Spirit, convulse, cry out, start speaking in tongues. I am not saying they are not authentic, they are simply not my way.

Healing might be a letting go of life. It might be providing someone with a peaceful transition through the curtain of death. It might be holding someone's pain until they can manage it themselves. Healing might be providing someone with the tools to change their circumstances so that they are no longer made ill by their work, home, relationship... We are all healers. Some of us use our hands, some our money, some our art, and there are many other forms of healing. Healing that does not involve the heart and the Spirit is, dare i say it, unlikely to be true healing that lasts, that affirms, that builds community and strengthens trust and love.

In today's Lenten meditation from Melanie Martinez, Staff Intern Pastor at Exodus MCC based on Iyanla Vanzant's One Day My Soul Just Opened Up she writes:

Let Me Remember...

I have a right to feel what I feel.
What I am feeling is a temporary experience that cannot harm me.
All things work to bring me healing.
People act out of the need for healing.
I can choose what I feel about any experience.
Forgiveness will provide relief and release.
Love will heal anything that is not an expression of love.

Copyright © 2009 Exodus Metropolitan Community Church

Healing underway in my life: trusting in God; getting to know, accept and love myself; accepting the love of others; beautiful sunsets, sunrises, ocean views; random acts of kindness; candles, music; hugs from safe people; the unconditional love of a cat...

Day Twenty-Nine: Insight

Word of the Day: insight

Image of the Day:
sunset through the clouds, Shandon

Token of the Day:
moonstone earrings

Moonstone for clarity
Clarity for insight
Insight for living
living for loving.

I made a promise to myself that i would be gently with myself today, no matter what the word...and then my hand chose "insight"! Yet, coming straight after knowledge, it does feel okay, not too challenging, almost restful. Or perhaps that's because i am living the reality of my promise to myself to be gentle regardless!

Does insight come with learning and experience like knowledge does? Is it a resource within me that i need to tune into, still myslef enough so that i can hear, recognise, respond to? Yes, i think it is all of these.

There is real purpose to having insight. I can't simply possess it, that would perhaps be knowledge but it becomes insight when put to use. Insight is the capacity to discern the true nature of a situation; penetration; it is the act or outcome of grasping the inward or hidden nature of things or of perceiving in an intuitive manner. This insight throws light on, offer a way in and out, provides a solution.

Insight is not rude, ill-timed or inappropriate. It comes with a big dose of wisdom, contemplation, empathy, compassion. I think that it is most challenging to use insight for one's own life. I can't get the same perspective that i have access to where others are concerned. I am unsure if i'm being over-critical or being too soft; i doubt myself...

Spiritual insight is how we truly see, beyond any sight our eyes might offer. Paul wrote "I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you may know the hope to which God has called you, the riches of God's glorious inheritance in the saints" (Eph 1:18). And again, "This is my prayer, that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight" (Php 1:9).

"Nothing is more terrible than activity without insight." Thomas Carlyle

God grant me the sight to see beyond the surface, the humility to trust what you show me, that i may offer insight for the peace, love and wisdom of your world.

Day Twenty-Eight: Knowledge

Word of the Day: Knowledge

Image of the Day: Koosh balls

Token of the Day: rose quartz and an extra token! female African carved wooden statuette

Koosh balls, or kooshes as we call them, were named as such because of the sound they make when, having been thrown, they land. I first encountered them, at least knowingly(!), on a Change Learning course. It was used during group sessions when only the person holding it could speak. Once you had spoken you chose who to throw it to. Now i do not like things being thrown at me so it took me more time than the others to get used to the idea and to realise that kooshes are soft, light, playful creatures who can do no harm! Once i had this knowledge i could relax and enjoy the game.

So knowledge is something one gains through experience. Also through research - i have only just found out why koosh balls are called koosh balls. Now i possess that piece of knowledge, or information, too. Further, i brought home a mini-koosh ball key-ring from the training event and Gail was delighted. I learnt that she loves kooshes and have added that knowledge to my being aswell.

The word knowledge comes from Middle English knoulech, knouen which is from Old English cnawen. The Greek word for knowledge is gnosis which has the extra meaning of an esoteric form of knowledge sought by the Gnostics, intuitive apprehension of spiritual truths, usually by saints and other mystics. More broadly knowledge is cogniscience, awareness, information, lore, wisdom, education, erudition and instruction, something that is true, an accurate perception; it is even used to mean having sexual intercourse with someone. How inept i find the English language sometimes! One word to cover such a huge range of ideas...

The more i know, the more i realise i need to know and the more i realise i don't know!

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing

How do i gain this knowledge? Through experience, learning, "just" knowing/feeling it in my bones.

Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46)

Yes, let us know (recognize, be acquainted with, and understand) Him; let us be zealous to know the Lord [to appreciate, give heed to, and cherish Him]. (Hosea 6:3, Amplified Version) or, as The Message translates it: We're ready to study God, eager for God-knowledge.

So, God-knowledge includes recognition, acquaintance, comprehension, appreciation, giving heed to and cherishing! We are not called to develop academic understanding, be able to debate theologically - of course, we can choose to do this! But what is more important is to rest in God's presence, still oneself to facilitate grasping the reality that the Divine Spirit is already within, that the true Inner Voice is speaking and that from this place of stillness, God-knowledge increases. Its purpose is to bring us to being fully alive. We get to know a landscape by absorbing ourselves in it, visiting often, resting there, picnicking, taking photographs, sketching, using all of our senses so why not do this to get to know our God better? Of course, God is in the landscape so perhaps it's a good place to begin!

What about gnosis? Is that something we can access? Are we still able to connect with mysticism in the 21st century? Yes, i think so. With intuition, an educated heart and deep empathy we are capable of so much more than we can imagine. As Marianne Williamson wrote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (from "A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles" [Chapter 7, Section 3])

I want to recount one of the gnostic experiences i believe i have had. At a worship workshop i began to feel deeply upset. I knew that the emotion was not my own. I looked around to see if i could work out whose it was. Nothing to see but the person's name entered my being and i knew that i was both being prepared to do some healing and that i was holding her emotion until she was ready to take it, accept it and then let it go. Twenty-four hours later we were able spend time together during a healing service, me offering her comfort and healing, she being ready to accept it and feel her own feelings. The day after the distress had left her and she was refreshed, renewed and more fully alive. I cannot call on this gnosis at will and i don't believe that the Spirit would call on me at a time when i wasn't able to assist.

Knowledge should increase both wisdom and humility. Knowledge is power, it can be frightening. It can sometimes feel that all we use knowledge for in the world is to create ways of overpowering others through clever words and smart weapons...

Spiritual truths
intuitively known
by
mystics and saints
masons and Sufis

Facts and figures
learnt from teachers and books
their importance impressed on us
their relevance often lost on us.

Knowledge is power
knowledge is truth
knowledge is sacred.

Day Twenty-Seven: Family

Word of the Day: Family

Image of the Day: carbonated water with a green "tint"!

Token of the Day: Frida Kahlo butterfly brooch from Tate Collection

Family - lots of conflicting thoughts and images immediately spring to mind and heart... i call to mind my biological family - my immediate family of sister, mother and father and my extended family living and dead; i see pictures of Janet and John, the Famous Five and Secret Seven versions of family; i think about the various Biblical references to family (congruent? incongruent?); and i think about chosen family and "family" as code for someone who one thinks is gay...

The butterfly brooch belongs to the same family as the butterfly hairgrip; the butteflies are exactly the same yet their function is quite different. Yes, they are both decorative accessories but one holds the hair in a particular position on the head whilst the other simply decorates an item of clothing... So they are related but also different.

Water - carbonated, still, spring, table, sea, river, rain, hot, cold, vapour, frozen... It's all water but each type is quite different. Each bubble in the carbonated water is unique just as each snowflake is a one-off divine creation - there is no word for snow in Chicewa, one of the languages spoken in Malawi (i discovered this when encountering my first native Malawians who were in St Andrews studying medicine!) yet there are many varients for snow in Inuit (not dozens of separate words apparently but multiple suffixes - follow this link if, like me, you are fascinated by language! (http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/000405.html)

Then there's our inner family (http://www.sfhelp.org/01/ifs1_intro.htm), the family of our psyche, which we might experience in our dreamlife as family and not recognise for what it is. One's inner family is the personality which we hear as streams of thought (inner voices) and which might not always agree! Our subselves evolve over the years; they are made up of our parents, teachers, friends, experiences (traumatic, neutral and positive), and also innate, spiritual, God-given. I will be returning to this - i just know it!

I did a websearch for Bible references to family. The top two websites both avoid including Jesus' challenge to the crowds about who "family" is! The websites, both very conservative, dwell on all the Old Testament passages telling us to honour our mother and father, and Paul's proclamations to the early church about the man being the head of the house as Christ is the head of the church, etc, etc! Is Jesus' response to the multitude, as reported in Mark 3:31-35, incongruous with the rest of the Bible's teaching? My automatic reply is "No!" But it isn't a passage that i'm drawn to, it's not one i seek out for comfort. However i think i'm beginning to understand what Jesus meant and i see its relevance in my life and for today's society. Uh oh, here i go again!

In my first year at university i studied Social Anthropology and learnt something about kinship, the different functions of family (economic, political), and how the concept of family differs around the world and in various cultures and religions. I grew up hundreds of miles away from our nearest blood relatives (dear parents - i am NOT writing this in order to apportion blame, simply to state facts!). I listened to schoolfriends talk about going to their grandparents for Sunday lunch, playing with their cousins, staying overnight at Auntie Jean's and i couldn't relate. Until i was a teenager i didn't have any cousins and then, when i did, i met them infrequently at their christenings, the occasional visit, and at "family" occasions such as weddings and funerals. Now communication is different - we can be in touch casually and frequently through email, Facebook, text - but, despite sharing some very intimate moments (babysitting, nappy-changing, sobbing and hugging at funerals) we hardly know each other at all.

A pregnant client shared with me recently how anxious she was about the birth of this, her second, child. She had been able to put her feet up and snooze when her first child was born but this time she'd have a toddler to keep up with regardless of whether the baby was asleep or not. I asked her about support from family. No family members live within 50 miles and the closest geographically were not the closest emotionally - she was not keen to call on them. This saddened me and yet it is very common and would be my own experience too. But how did we get here? From extended families all living within the same village, or at least town, or at least city, or at the very least county as each other to being rarely in the same country as each other! At one point my mother was in Wales, my sister in England and my father in Canada... and i'm not making out like i'm some special case. This is 21st century living, apparently... But more than 2,100 years ago Jesus was already telling us that family is those who are around us, those who walk our life path with us, those who are in touch with their true self and their Higher Power, God, the Great I Am, Father/Mother/Parent/Creator. We have to take the risk of allowing those around us into the most intimate areas of our lives. If the person we share our life with isn't allowed in, if we cannot open up to the person we laugh and cry with, eat with, make love with, pray with, sleep with, then what hope do we have to be fully alive?

The word itself first came into use in English in about 1400 meaning servants of a household. It comes from Latin familia "household," including relatives and servants, from famulus "servant," of unknown origin.

How interesting! If the "house" is God's house then we are all members of it. If the "house" is the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit then it refers to the human being, the whole person, with all of its constituent parts. No part is to be excluded but is to be embraced, loved, accepted. Mental health suffers when we are told or we feel that part of us is unacceptable, horrible, unlovable. Oh, okay the message is coming through louder and clearer day by day. I have to learn that my inner family is as important as my biological family, my chosen family, and the family of those i share interests with. To be fully alive i need to love myself...

To be continued...

Day Twenty-Six: Congruence

Word of the Day: congruence

Image of the Day:

Gormley Iron Man in the Sea

Token of the Day:

Why the Emu Can't Fly storybook from Australia

Gail writes: apparently one of the top three qualities wanted/desired/needed in a counsellor/friend/ fellow human being - to form a good/supportive/helpful/ positive relationship... the other two are empathy and acceptance.

Congruence - a word i hear and have used without really knowing, in the head sense, exactly what it means yet trusting it more than honesty, genuineness in this day and age. In addition to these meanings congruence is a mathematical term meaning: Coinciding exactly when superimposed: congruent triangles; of, or relating to, two numbers that have the same remainder when divided by a third number. For example, 11 and 26 are congruent when the modulus is 5. Okay, that is way beyond me! I have a huge block when it comes to maths, a resistance to understanding, and a lack of desire to comprehend.

I see and hear the phrase genuine sale and mistrust it. The provider of this phrase seems to be using genuine as if adding this word will draw us in more than simply stating that there is a sale on. Somehow i find it disingenuous, incongruent. And when someone says No, honestly i feel that they are trying too hard to make me believe them and i question what is being said. Simply my paranoia? Or a reflection on 21st century living? We no longer believe in each other, we lack trust, we are incongruent with ourselves, with each other, with the universe.

Congruence and authenticity appear in my internal dictionary as having more weight, more substance. I long to live authentically, congruently. What do i mean by this?

• A life-long process of seeking to better understand myself, face my shadows and learn to embrace them rather than trying to run away from them (remember the sorrow in Peter Pan's life, living without his shadow?).
• A conscious, intentional desire to be congruent in community. To speak plainly and to find ways in which to be spiritually congruent so that my whole life is brought into the light.

These are massive tasks which i do not write about lightly, nor do i want you to think that i'm looking for sainthood! I am discovering, through this blog and through other elements in my life, that i must constantly speak my truth so that i hear and see the challenges i am setting myself, so that i face up to my expectations and can choose to accept them or lay them down. Of course i would much rather live completely in the light with no shadows but the reality is that when a light is thrown on something a shadow is cast, the brighter the light the clearer the shadow so living congruently means creating harmony between light and shadow, celebrating it, embracing my personal chiaroscuro.

Congruence in community requires much attention to empathy, intuition, and love. Speaking plainly does not mean telling someone that their singing is awful, that their sermon bored me to tears, or that their bum does look big in that cassock! No, for me, it means supporting, encouraging, living with my fellow travellers on life's path. It means finding loving ways of speaking the truth so that what i say and do is life-giving, love-building, and also honest. Challenging? Of course... Essential? Yes.

In the second book of Corinthians Paul writes:

we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God. 4:2

and in Ephesians:

God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth, and tell it in love - like Christ in everything... 4:15

Well, i'll keep trying...and you can keep letting me know lovingly how i'm doing!

Day Twenty-Five: Sustenance

Word of the Day: sustenance

Image of the Day: icons of Mary and Jesus on our prayer table

Token of the Day: Frida Kahlo butterfly grip from an exhibition at the Tate, 9 June-9 October 2005

Sustenance - something that sustains life or health; means of livelihood. Middle English, from Old French from sustenir, to sustain.

Sustain - Middle English sustenen, from Old French sustenir, from Latin sustinere.

Sus- is from sub- meaning from below and tenere meaning to hold.

So that which sustains us is whatever it takes to hold us up. The image in my head is of a ballerina balanced on the raised hand of her partner. Should his strength fade or his focus wane she will fall. She is utterly dependent on him and must trust him completely. And this is how our relationship with God should be.

Human beings are of such nature that they should have not only material facilities but spiritual sustenance as well. Without spiritual sustenance, it is difficult to get and maintain peace of mind. Dalai Lama

Non-violence is not a quality to be evolved or expressed to order. It is an inward growth depending for sustenance upon intense individual effort. Mohandas Gandhi

Who and what sustains me?

• God, the Great I Am and the host of divine beings that are part of God nourish me with guidance, support, and comfort. Through worship - icons, candles, prayer, music, chants, words, teaching; through community - sharing, loving, debating, co-operating
• Love - amorous, passionate and soul-deep love for, from, and shared with, Gail
• Love - family (blood and chosen) which is enduring and forgiving and essential
• Being all that i can be - using my gifts, skills and experience for the good of the whole
• receiving what i need - psychotherapy, spiritual direction, massage, friendship, medication
• food and drink - and herein lies the battle. I no longer drink alcohol so caffeine is the closest i get to addictive fluid substances! But food is a battleground. All my skills and experience tell me the way to be...my heart and my psyche, the hurting me, tell me otherwise.

Jesus tells his disciples not to worry about what sustains them physically but to trust God (Luke 12: 22-34)

In Deuteronomy we learn of God's generosity, providing manna and spiritual nourishment; and the psalmist tells us to cast all our worries on Yhwh and Yhwh will sustain us (Psalm 55: 22)

O Divine Generosity
flood the droughts in all our hearts
with Your nourishing, living water
pour out the sweet honey that our souls so desire
and teach us to desire only You,
to be greedy only in outpourings of love,
hungry purely for Your Spirit
that we might be Your sustaining instruments in the world.

Day Twenty-Four: strength

Word of the Day: strength

Image of the Day: my three companion-bears - BB, Missy and Hopscotch

Token of the Day: mini-jigsaw - lambs, red squirrels, rabbits and ducks

Gail writes: God is our refuge and strength - an ever present help in trouble.

Strength is a developed state, a tool that can be used for good or for bad. In the physical realm we build up strength in our muscles, our stamina, our speed. We might focus on developing power or endurance, static or dynamic strength. And then we can choose to use this strength to overpower others or to build others up.

God uses Her strength in the Old Testament to send storms, plagues, floods and to still the winds, separate the seas, and create rainbows. God is discerning in His use of strength, being in control of this tool rather than it controlling Her. In business planning we are told to do a SWOT analysis to explore and identify our Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. Our society tells us repeatedly to avoid weakness and threat. Isn't this ignoring our shadows? Jesus embraced the shadows, his own and other people's. The God we encounter in the New Testament walks beside us on the path, feeds us, accepts hospitality, weeps, gets angry, laughs, loves, and dies in order to touch our hearts and minds. Then like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, God gives birth to Herself as Spirit, dwelling in us, working through us. God takes our weaknesses and turns our world upside down. God takes the threats and tames them so that we can see their beauty.

In Tarot, the Strength or Fortitude card is number 8 or 11 in the Major Arcana. Strength is one of the 3 cardinal virtues, alongwith temperance and justice. It stands for moderation in attitudes towards pain and danger, with neither being avoided at all costs, nor actively wanted. The card is usually depicted by a woman and lion. The lion is the zodiac sign, Leo, representing generosity, mercy, sexuality, creativity, and intuition.

In the Unicorn Tarot Strength is a strong male warrior astride a white, highly spirited unicorn mare who is rearing up and ready for action. The warrior holds a spear, the unicorn has a bridle on. It symbolises spiritual protection, personal magnetism, forging ahead to achieve victory, energy and good health.

And in the Medicine Woman Tarot Strength is Healing, depicted by a woman standing under the bough of a tree by a stream. On her shoulder is a child, at her feet are a white bird, a big brown bear and its cub and a lioness. A rainbow is stretching behind them.

For those of you who feel uneasy with Tarot, stay with it. Find an image you feel drawn to and let yourself be guided by your imagination. Why does it speak to you? How do you feel? What is your response to the image?

Through Lent one of the set of images i'm using is Sieger Koder "The Folly of God" meditation pack which follows the Stations of the Cross. The current image on our prayer table is The Cornerstone. Koder refers to Isaiah 53 "through his bruises we get healed". He describes Jesus as the rock of our strength; his heart is the source of his strength.

From where comes my strength?
from the source of all that is
from the Great I AM
who speaks through rainbows, ice crystals, birdsong, invention
who shows Her strength with compassion
and whose strong heart bears all our grief.

What strength do i dare possess?
only that which connects me to the Divine
and to all of Creation.
Yet at times i feel the pull of other strengths
- power over others, knowledge that can harm,
advantages that give me status.

I must learn how to harness it
channel my strengths through prayer
to bring liberation, healing and love
to encourage rather than put down
to collaborate rather than dominate.

Jesus, i am so weak
i look at Koder's image of you falling for the first time
under the weight of the cross
and i see how i am
crushed, defeated, too wounded and too weak to continue

Yet you are not lacking in faith, love or strength
You do not pour scorn on me, you simply bear my burden for me
and carry it while i rest,
heal me while i weep
and pour your strength - the living water
of the Spirit into my being
flooding me with comfort,
renewing my troubled heart
restoring my weakened body
and bringing fresh hope to my soul.

You give away without thought for yourself
humbly receiving us over and again
as we gather, pilgrims on a journey,
at your feet as we reach out trembling hands
seeking healing from You, our Touchstone.

Day Twenty-Three: Discernment

Word of the Day: Discernment

Image of the Day: Valentine tissue paper scrunched into art

Token of the Day: third pair of sports socks

(this token repeated 3 times has been an essential part of my discernment process. I am now much clearer about my future direction which is away from teaching exercise and towards mind-body-spirit integration. Before i had even opened it Gail had discerned this and had squirreled away alternative tokens to offer! I picked out earrings which match the necklace i received on 7th March [faith])

Discernment - a process, a practice, a gift, a skill, a tool.

It requires focus, tuning in, heightened awareness, being present in the moment. I can develop it through learning, practice, experience. Intuition is connected, faith and love are tied in. I can be fooled/distracted by my own "stuff" so i need to test that which i am discerning. But i also need to listen - to my educated heart and to the voice of the Divine within.

Etymology of discern: Middle English discernen, from Old French discerner, from Latin discernere, to separate : dis-, apart; see dis– + cernere, to perceive.]

So there is that requirement within discernment to separate, perhaps at times tear apart the issue, the concern in order to discover the right/best way forward.

I experienced an Ignatian Retreat in Daily Life many years ago whilst at St Andrews and i am looking forward to participating in another one next month. For St Ignatius of Loyola, the discernment of spirits is part of everyone's spiritual journey. Working with a spiritual director one is assisted in examining the motives, desires, consolations, and desolations in one's life. Ignatius wrote and taught at length about examining one's conscience. Objectively, one can know what is right from looking at the Ten Commandments and the Seven Deadly Sins in a thorough examination of conscience. But the broader picture of one's life is often not so clear. According to Ignatius, we need to share everything with our spiritual director who can see things objectively, without being swayed by the emotions or passion. Discerning whether the good spirit (the influence of God, the Church, one's soul) or the bad spirit (the influence of "Satan", the world, the flesh) is at work requires calm, rational reflection. The good spirit brings us to peaceful, joyful decisions. The bad spirit often brings us to make quick, emotional, conflicted decisions. A spiritual director can assist both by personal experience, listening with care, and giving an objective analysis.

I am fascinated by how i am drawn back to a method through various means so that, even when i am not consciously switched on the spirit discerns what i need and puts things and people on my path to assist. Moving to our current home my friend in the States encouraged me to make contact with a good friend of hers who lives across the road and who i had met a number of years ago. I did so, not remembering what her line of work was. No surprise that she is a spiritual director and co-ordinates a local Ignatian group offering retreats and direction! An author was referred to in a sermon and i was led to her books only to discover that she, Margaret Silf, is writing about Ignatian spirituality. I visit St Mary's Episcopal Cathedral and pick up a leaflet about retreats in daily life. And one other element ensures that i get the message - one of the spiritual exercises is going for a walk using all the senses to experience God. Well, walking is what i preach on through my work and is something i'm passionate about! Ever felt like an angel is holding you, shaking you gently and saying "Look! Just look! It's there, all around you. Now simply get on with it!"

So, discernment is sometimes an angelic prod...

Day Twenty-One: Practice

Gail writes: a beautiful process - yellow from the Fall with space to walk, and 8 image thoughts to make 9

Word of the Day: Practice

Images of the Day: Edinburgh labyrinth and views around Edinburgh

Token of the Day: miniature patterned tile

Practice - ah! the serendipity of this word coming immediately after "patience"!

I remember the torture of clarinet practice in between lessons. Sometimes my fingers knew what to do, other times they did not seem at all connected to my brain. And then hockey practice - not only did one have the battle with one's own body but there was the rest of the team too. We had to practice being parts of a body, parts of a well-oiled machine. And we had to practice skills and techniques. Drills in dribbling, defending, attacking, shooting, passing, takes corners... If one person were unwell, had fallen out with another team member we were all sunk!

Practice then requires working on several levels and sussing out how to tune in so that there is harmony.

Spiritual practice is the regular devotion of time, energy, focus, desire to being or doing in order to move closer to being all that i can be. God doesn't seek perfection in us but She does want us to keep trying... i think. Three might be days when we feel completely at one with the Divine - there are probably going to be many days when we simply go through the motions and feel dry, empty, dull. Practice, on those days, keeps us in touch with the Divine even if it doesn't feel like it. I am understanding more and more the value of the Divine Offices, the reciting of prayers, psalms, mantras.

With regular attention, regular practice, i can learn to still my busy-ness, quieten my chatter, and relax my body so that i can spend more of my practice time enjoying the presence of the Divine and less time worrying about my body, working out problems in my head, running through my day. With practice i can hand it all over, lay my burdens at the foot of the Cross, simply rest in the presence of God.

Practice makes perfect?
Practice without striving
Practice as a rhythm in life, part of a series of rhythms which together create harmony.
The art of practicality, orthopraxy. Actions speak louder than words.
Each day a new beginning - a day without learning is a day lost.
Learn from mistakes - "ecoutez et repetez"!

Is listening and repeating the way to learn? The practice of reciting prayer, mantra, the Rosary, the Jesus Prayer can be helpful or harmful depending on the intention, mindset, state of heart. I remember being struck by JD Salinger's "Franny and Zooey". Merriam-Webster's Encyclopedia of Literature gives the following summary: "Franny is an intellectually precocious late adolescent who tries to attain spiritual purification by obsessively reiterating the "Jesus prayer" as an antidote to the perceived superficiality and corruptness of life. She subsequently suffers a nervous breakdown. In the second story, her next older brother, Zooey, attempts to heal Franny by pointing out that her constant repetition of the "Jesus prayer" is as self-involved and egotistical as the egotism against which she rails."

Being a precocious student i immediately had to go and find out more about the Jesus Prayer (this was before the Internet!). I discovered that it is part of the Orthodox Church tradition, the words are:

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

According to the Jesus Prayer Project website (http://www.jesusprayer.org/), the practice of the Eastern Orthodox Churches calls for the Jesus Prayer to be used for the constant prayer that Saint Paul speaks of in his First Letter to the Thessalonians (5:17), where the prayer is kept on the lips and in the hearts of believers at all times. In its ultimate form, this prayer method is called Hesychasm, or a mystical tradition of experiential prayer.

We have to take the time to contemplate, to discern, which practice is most helpful to us. We have to be mindful in our practice, attentive to the process and prepared to reconsider.

Heart and mind prepared
i begin, with grace,
to open up my spirit life
i learn, through practice,
to trust the leadings of the Spirit
i develop the art of practice
with intention, love and patience.